Forge Peace
Where do the lands of the birth family and adoptive family merge?
I believe they merge within the heart of the adoptee. Adoption sits a child down at the table between two countries and asks her to be the mediator between those countries. If the countries are warring parties, the child will experience the psychic ramifications of this conflict even if on a subterranean unconscious level. If both countries are at peace, the child will experience this peace as a confidence in and contentment with who she is.
Every degree of difference is felt within the heart of a child.
Though the country called birth family may be literally or figuratively far, far away, its essence is embodied in this one child. And while her new country may be a land of vast proportions—filled with love, caring, inclusion—some aspect of it will remain foreign to her if her country of origin is not acknowledged and accepted as part of her vital essence.
This child whose heart bridges two worlds is cared for most truly when she is empowered by love from both lands. The territories of origin offer their gifts, both grand and humble, to be woven into the life of their child. Their hopeful intention for their child is for a life of rich harvests.
In the widest scenario, the territories of adoption acknowledge and accept the gifts of the territories of origin. They claim those gifts on behalf of the new life which has been entrusted to them. Their duty henceforth is to remind their child over and over of the rich heritage she embodies. ‘Look, you have your mother’s eyes, your father’s nose, your uncle’s strength.’ Even in territories so mired in psychic distress that the child is ousted due to trauma, there must still be some small treasure awaiting recognition; a treasure needing to be, in some fragile yet enduring way, linked to the future, to its lineage, to the heart of she or he who was torn from that dangerous land.
Whether the child’s leaving was voluntary as in, “I surrender you fruit of my loins,” or forced as in “the state has taken my child,” the land of birth family continues on, existing inside a rhythmic pulse joined at the root with the family who breathes new possibilities into an already vital fruit.
This joining or cutting or tearing at the root, this lifting or dragging into new life is felt most keenly in the blood and bone pulse of an adoptee’s life.
Take seriously, therefore, ye independent territories, your duty to forge peace amongst ye. The fruit of your efforts will nourish the psychic roots your child puts down in this lifetime. The value of your intentions for peace will endure beyond the last threshold of your life to contribute to your children’s children’s lives seven times seven.
Be therefore wise. Acknowledge the gifts from the territory of origins and accept them. Treasure them as you treasure the very altar you are building within this young one’s heart.