Her Voice When She Sings

Filed under: Uncategorized — drj at 10:24 pm on Saturday, April 14, 2007

Curiosities:

When I mentioned below the shocking curiosity a birthmother might have about her child, what followed in my mind was a litany of questions.  I’ve asked these questions over the years in my writing and in the silence of myself:

I wonder what her hair smells like when it’s wet.

What does her laughter sound like?

What does her voice when singing sound like?

What does her breathing sound like when she is sleeping?

What does she dream about?

What worries her?

What is she afraid of?

What does she love?

What brings her the most joy?

Has she ever forgotten how absolutely loved she is?

Has she ever felt despair?

When has she felt lonely?

Who understands her the most, the best?

When she shakes someone’s hand, does she do so with a firm grip?

What does her voice sound like when she’s whispering?

When she prays, does she bow her head? Close her eyes? Clasp her hands together?

What book does she favor above all?

What’s her favorite movie?

When she cries, does her bottom lip pucker out and quiver?

What do her toes look like?

What does she look and sound like when she is angry?

Does she like touch, is she affectionate?

Has she ever been shocked by anything?  If so, what?

What is her favorite animal?

Does she hug strong?

Does she take naps?

Which side of the bed does she sleep on and which side of her body?

Does she walk fast, slow, in between?

When she eats, does she savor the food or is her mind elsewhere?

Where does her mind wonder when she’s alone in bed late at night?

What does she think of God?

Does she have a sense of her purpose?

Does she ever wonder about us, about me, about her birthfather?

Does she have any desire to meet her extended birth family?

It may be assumed that the curiosities of a birthmother coalesce around the deepest roots of her original union with her child, but I find that often it is the mundane curiosities that pull at me most.  I am reminded that life consists in the simple things, the here and now breath of experience.  Every little fact, every observable detail of my daughter is and will be celebrated as gift when it reaches my senses and finally I know her smell, her smile, her voice when she sings.

Forge Peace

Filed under: Uncategorized — drj at 10:08 pm on Saturday, April 14, 2007

Where do the lands of the birth family and adoptive family merge?

I believe they merge within the heart of the adoptee. Adoption sits a child down at the table between two countries and asks her to be the mediator between those countries.  If the countries are warring parties, the child will experience the psychic ramifications of this conflict even if on a subterranean unconscious level.  If both countries are at peace, the child will experience this peace as a confidence in and contentment with who she is.

Every degree of difference is felt within the heart of a child.

Though the country called birth family may be literally or figuratively far, far away, its essence is embodied in this one child.  And while her new country may be a land of vast proportions—filled with love, caring, inclusion—some aspect of it will remain foreign to her if her country of origin is not acknowledged and accepted as part of her vital essence.

This child whose heart bridges two worlds is cared for most truly when she is empowered by love from both lands.  The territories of origin offer their gifts, both grand and humble, to be woven into the life of their child.  Their hopeful intention for their child is for a life of rich harvests.

In the widest scenario, the territories of adoption acknowledge and accept the gifts of the territories of origin.  They claim those gifts on behalf of the new life which has been entrusted to them.  Their duty henceforth is to remind their child over and over of the rich heritage she embodies.  ‘Look, you have your mother’s eyes, your father’s nose, your uncle’s strength.’  Even in territories so mired in psychic distress that the child is ousted due to trauma, there must still be some small treasure awaiting recognition; a treasure needing to be, in some fragile yet enduring way, linked to the future, to its lineage, to the heart of she or he who was torn from that dangerous land.

Whether the child’s leaving was voluntary as in, “I surrender you fruit of my loins,” or forced as in “the state has taken my child,” the land of birth family continues on, existing inside a rhythmic pulse joined at the root with the family who breathes new possibilities into an already vital fruit.

This joining or cutting or tearing at the root, this lifting or dragging into new life is felt most keenly in the blood and bone pulse of an adoptee’s life.

Take seriously, therefore, ye independent territories, your duty to forge peace amongst ye.  The fruit of your efforts will nourish the psychic roots your child puts down in this lifetime.  The value of your intentions for peace will endure beyond the last threshold of your life to contribute to your children’s children’s lives seven times seven.

Be therefore wise.  Acknowledge the gifts from the territory of origins and accept them.  Treasure them as you treasure the very altar you are building within this young one’s heart.

Arise and Awaken to the Beauty Within You

Filed under: Uncategorized — drj at 12:50 pm on Sunday, April 8, 2007

Since this is a site for and about birthmothers, I wish to acknowledge all of the ones in me who stand up in salute to birthmothers around the world.  I birthed this site with the ambition of creating a circle of and for women, a safe place where our birthmother voices can be heard.  You will note, Dear Reader, that the first and last post I wrote is dated nearly a year ago.  Perhaps the lengthy time lag between posts is indication of how unsafe the world still feels for the voice of the birthmother in me.  It may also be indication of the weight of judgment which has for centuries been culturally supported; judgment that condemns the out of wedlock mother to shame.  This shame paints a thin veil of silence over everything I think, feel, and desire to express as a birthmother.  I wonder how many of you feel the presence of this veil? Whether whisper thin, or unbearably heavy, does a veil of silence accompany you?

How many of you regularly share this deepest aspect of who you are?  Do you let it be known, in your circle of friends, what questions the birthmother in you still asks?  What longings she has?  What her secret desires are?  How often do you yourself pay attention to the feelings that rise up within you; feelings directly associated to the fact of your existence in the world as one who carried and birthed a child only to let her/him go?  Do you ever marvel at the depth of your love for your child?  Are you ever astonished by your own strength to let your child go?  Does it shock you, the curiosity you still have about this one of your loins?

I have been pondering my own experience as a birthmother for nearly two decades now.  In subsequent postings I will share with you my thoughts and feelings regarding this experience.  I wish to acknowledge the thousands of women throughout the world who share the unique role of being birthmothers.  I believe that collectively we possess deep wisdom and valuable lessons which can benefit the human community.  This wisdom and value can come through us only if we pull aside the veil that obscures our vital presence.  Let us realize the gifts of our experience.  In so doing, we can arise and awaken to the beauty within us–a beauty which brought into the world a new soul whose first breath and very life were born from our power, strength, and love.

I celebrate you in love,

Julian